You kissed my cheek
The first time I saw you.
I could still feel the touch
The next evening,
So when you kissed the other
I had a matching pair.
Ghosts with butterfly-wing lips
Fluttered
Against my cheek that night
As I left my body smiling
In my bed,
Floating in that same sea
Of blanket-tipped waves
Where you now lay at anchor.
The third night,
I took your hand
And our fingers formed a seal,
Locking together with that
Vault door sound.
The third night,
I kissed your mouth,
And that sense-memory of your lips
Has made mine feel
Different
Ever since.
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Author's Comments
Sappy rubbish.
Comments
 not rubbish at all.
this put a smile on my face- its the type of poem that makes me feel warm and happy, haha. this part i really liked: I could still feel the touch The next evening, So when you kissed the other I had a matching pair. because the idea of having a matching pair of kisses really appeals to me for some reason. Wow, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for the lovely comment, and for the fave.
-- Go then - there are other worlds than these.  Glargieflargiesoppy bugger.
ly. I adore the little bit about a matching pair of kisses. But. To ruin your little poem. I think I kissed your right check, both times  HAH Still, I love it lotsly and a lot and I've never been described as an anchor before <3 -- I like the words Smashing, Golly, Gosh, Corking,Cracking and Soliloquy. My list of current projects [link] My ATC only account ~Pickled-PoppyATC Wow, thanks very much for the comment, Alec, it's very kind.
Except that bit about reading in a public place, that's terrifying. But also nice, so thanks. -- Go then - there are other worlds than these. ARTISTIC LICENSE!
Besides, anchors don't talk. Shushy. Thanks, darling. And thank you for the fave. Loveyoueverywhere -- Go then - there are other worlds than these.  d'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
haha (obligatory vaguely condescending expression of affection) "Ghosts with butterfly-wing lips Fluttered Against my cheek that night" wonderful wonderful. ♥ -- when one candle is used to light another, the new flame is not the same as the old flame, and yet the first flame directly causes the second.  It's very sweet. I liked this part the most.
The third night, I took your hand And our fingers formed a seal, Locking together with that Vault door sound. I have a poem on my page called first kiss. I think you would like it. |
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Critiques
My first suggestion would be to avoid capitalizing every word at the start of a new line. Capitalize only if you are starting a new sentence, as it is now it's a little choppy and hard to follow.
The third stanza is the best part of this piece with original and descriptive imagery. However, the rest of the piece is filled with clichés. If you could make the rest of the piece more like the third stanza I think this would be a much better piece.
What you do differently in that third stanza is describe your feelings, instead of just directly describing what happened to the character in this piece. The language used is better and the reader has to think a bit to imagine the emotions you are describing.
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