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He read her poems like a map of her,
     Every comma she ran past
          Without stopping for a breath
     Pointed like an arrow.

               But people so rarely draw an X
          To mark treasures they
     Don't want found.

His hands traced the trails
Of her skin,
          Looking for the way in,
     But finding only gasps.
               
               She only exhales now.

He put down her notebook
     Closed the cover
          Kept quiet.

               Part of her was leaving him,
               The other part was leaving
          Hints;
     Clues.

If the deserter found out,
He knew,
          She would put a stop to that.


After all,
     There's no use throwing messages in bottles
          If you're imprisoned too far from the sea.
©2009-2010 =W-Uno
:iconw-uno:

Author's Comments

And this is part of the reason he seldom comments.

Also, no. I would never touch your notebooks. It just sounds more literary than "dA page."

Not very good today, I know.

Critiques


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:iconsatah:
very good today. and most other days. not always tuesdays, but hey, that's a hard day for some folk...

i love the play on "leaving" in the..sixth? stanza. the line breaks work REALLY well there. i'm not sure about the semi-colon though?

"He read her poems like a map of her,"
sdofish wonderful

"He put down her notebook
Closed the cover
Kept quiet."
i like that a lot... it's always an interesting conundrum when you find something you might not want to know while doing something you probably shouldn't be doing.

and more bottle images?

--
i wish that the library were open all night, because i like being there.
:iconpickled-poppy:
-Shuffle around-...

Mostly fictional I can only amuse?
Otherwise.. BlargenFlargs

I like this as a poem it's all lovely and brillo and well.
It makes me all sad and things.

Good work Geg.

--
I like Giants,
Especially Girl giants.
'Cus all girls fell to big sometimes, regardless of there size.
:iconalecbell:
An interesting read, Greg.

--
There's always a better poem just out of reach.

Words create situations [link]

The roots of the future run deep [link]
:iconw-uno:
Thanks.

--
Go then - there are other worlds than these.
:iconw-uno:
Mostly fictional, indeed.

Love you.

Thanks for the comment.

--
Go then - there are other worlds than these.
:iconw-uno:
Thanks very much, Satah. This may be more comment than the hasty scrawlings above deserve.

Bottle images. Everyone should have bottle images.

--
Go then - there are other worlds than these.
:iconsatah:
hasty scrawlings = often worthy of more comments than other work

--
we should install a trap window, so like, if the guy leans out too far, he falls!

all windows are trap windows.
:iconmarzguy:
I like the way you took a slice of life and made it into a poetic observation.

The last stanza is especially cool.

"people so rarely draw an X
To mark treasures they
Don't want found."

Amazing, also.

Not such a bad day.

--
You don't have to read a book on fat rabbits
To be a fat rabbit.
:iconw-uno:
Thanks so much for the comment, Mark. It means a lot.

I'm very glad you enjoyed it.

--
Go then - there are other worlds than these.

Details

June 10, 2009
1.9 KB

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